A Visit and ramblings

Uncle D came for a visit this evening.

He is back from B for 6 months. There he deals with orphanges etc. Very close to the Lord. Twas a blessing to hear him talk.

He gave me a long hug before he left.
Afterwards I had to go into the other room where I wept. His hug felt so much like my dads. Weird what sets off grief.

It seems God is pulling away all of the things/people I lean on. For example when I couldn't have chocolate I would have carrots and now - in an instant carrots were taken away.

God must want me to just lean on Him.

My jeep had to have the new windshield fixed(turned out to actually be a blessing as I only had to pay 1/3 of the original cost). There were several leaks.
PLUS my cat is out.
New term I learned - means catalytic converter.
In order that the trip this weekend didn't have to be put off I had to let Rocky spend the night at the garage. They will work on him tomorrow. "My" mechanic thinks it might not be the cat but different parts that have become loose. Hope so -that would be cheaper. I call him "my" mechanic because he has been seeing my vehicle a bit too much lately. If I am going to ride the jeep hard I need to learn a bit of auto mechanics.

I missed my Depression Recovery meeting this week - I was too depressed to go LOL oh well tis the truth.

Here is the list of what I am to be doing each day:
Read a chpt of Proverbs
Listen to classical music
Use the blue light or real sunshine 10 mins after waking up - use for at least 1/2 hour
Drink 8 glasses of water
Exercise 1/2 - 1 hour 7 days a week
No critizing comments decrease negative thoughts
Reading the assigned material
Taking hot/cold showers
Can't remember the rest.

So here is what I did yesterday - got up - went to work - got my coffee - dealt with issues - ate poorly - drank diet coke - came home - tired -so I took a nap - watched a movie and ate a very late dinner. OH brother - no wonder I am depressed,

No exercise - no eating right, no time with the Lord, no energy, and negative thinking.

Today - followed the same pattern until I got home - there it changed.
I exercised, had time with the Lord, and a hot/cold shower. Feel better and am not thinking so negatively.

Wow - you mean I did something right (can't say that that is a negative statement LOL)?

I don't work tomorrow - so I will try and do each of the listed things.

Freedom of Flight

Friday I woke with the headache from hell. Not to be deterred I loaded the necessities in the jeep and off I went. By the way I did bring along a 6 pack -of water.

I went south and then east. The terain is rocky with scrub brush and cactus. Nothing pretty about it.

The first sight was a hawk sitting on a fence post - usually they fly off before I get there. I got the picture posted here and two more that I had time enough to use my zoom. The hawk then soared away.

I drove slower than normal because every bump killed my head. Rabbit trails through the brush, little yellow and purple flowers dotted the rocky ground. Red tailed hawks flew low, silent and methodically over the brush looking for a meal. Sparrow hawks were quick to fly to another post in the distance when my jeep was within camera distance. Medowlarks sang to the skys announcing spring.

Horse grazed in the distant and a cow was giving birth. I passed a van full of youth from the nearby boys home. I stopped by a gully with groves of oaks and spent a while looking for arrowheads.

As always hawks brought peace to my soul. Their flight makes my heart beat with the desire of freedom. I return home and map out 5 jeep trips - pulling on the reins I am ready to take flight again.

Twist, Turns, Bumps and Bruises

What does one do if not allowed to write negative feelings down?

It gets all stored up - kinda like a mouth full of terrible swill and no were to spit - sounds ladylike doesn't it.

I have been riding on a level of extreme pain for a week. Maybe that is what it is. maybe it is the loss of the ability to speak ones mind - to be heard. Maybe it is because I can not have chocolate when I need it. When I do get it it is not the same as it once was. Maybe it is because I am just me.

If it is not my physical pain then is it my emotional?

I joined two ladies in the elevator the other day. One was speaking to the other"I do not think there is anything else left in my life that can go wrong - I looked her straight in the eye and said - don't ever say that because there is always something else. LOL

So - here it is - depression AGAIN - severe depression - for hell's sake why now - why again?

I am on my meds can it not LEAVE me alone for at least a season?

What more can I balance on my plate without it tipping over, spilling, falling and breaking into a million pieces.

Habbits die hard - off to jeep'n I will go tomorrow. My companion - a 6pack. My destiny - unknown - my return - I would just as soon never.

Oh - just in case "the man" figures out how to get into this I must end on a positive note.

It t'was a beautiful spring day. I had a awesome massage. I got to visit with many of my work friends. One even brought in his guitar to play and sing before moving on to become famous. Rocky is driving great - looks good with the new windshield and part of the bush grafitti buffed out. My sons said hello, the man bought me a awesome movie that I watched. See life has tons of positives. Who would have "thunk it" My life has tons of positives - that is why I get so angry at the depression. That is why I get so angry at needing to grasp at things to try and quelch the ugliness of depression.

2 months

Today it has been 2 months.

No tears today.

Just memories.

I wonder how long I will count the months.

All the holidays are left but we have made it past his birthday.

My tree

My apricot tree.

I have had this vicious headache for a week.

Had another funky visit to a massage therapist. Can I pick them or what?

Jeeze - unlike the last one this massage did not work. $60 down the drain.

I don't like to take meds but I have been enjoying the benefits of Lortab. The only way I can function. I have an appointment with a chiropracter tomorrow. I have heard he is tall, strong and good looking (this was after I made the appointment) so hope this isn't funky and it works!! Cuz I have no other way to get rid of this headache.

Started a 5 week course on ridding self of depression the natural way. Will see. I know at one point I will be asked to give up my coffee - not sure about that one. If they could provide a natural way to wake me up each day and give me lots of energy I just might do that.

I have Friday off so I am going to go explore a few "new" trails I have heard about.

My step-mom went by train to visit my stepsis. It is a relief for me because I won't have to mentally worry about her. She told me that no matter where she is on this planet her pain will be the same. I know it is true.

I was cleaning out my roladex here at work. Thumbing through and here was dad's cell phone.

OUCH - TEARS.

Will go south for a meeting in a few weeks and then go further south and visit family for just a few days and then hook it back home. Will get to stop my a friends house on the way. Will ride motorcycles and go out to eat. Looking forward to that.

I need some chocolate -

Blog found - Made to delete

The man found my blog.

Needless to say it brought up unpleasant issues.

I was told to erase all of my negative stuff.

Thus the picture. Says it all.

Tis Spring -

Another beautiful spring day. Love it.

Everything is new, virgin green, new buds are springing forth, colors are appearing in the form of daffodils, etc.

I need it to be spring in my heart. I need a new heart. One that is filled with only the love that is supplied by God. I would love to have the innocence of a child, a "virgin" mind of sorts.

I think one reason that we age is because of all the knowledge of evil we have. We are aware of the hurts, pain, suffering, sorrow, war, hatred etc. Our mind can only be refreshed in the newness of spring when we let God wash our hearts clean of hurt, anger, resentment, furry. Only He can soften it enough to let us put self aside and see the needs of others without resenting the change it will require us to make.

I know I am not there yet. But I want to have God be Lord of my life and that includes being obediant to His word, to the extent of submission to change whatever he requires me to.

I read Galatians 2:21 - Grace.

The study then points to the story in 2nd Samuel 9. Here are a few points that I learned from the study provided.

Mephibosheth - his name means "living in shame"

David sent for Mep to show him kindness - God knows we are living in shame and wants to come and get us and show us his kindness, His grace, His mercy.

Mephibosheth - living in a place called Lodebar which means "Nothingness"

David sent for Mep so he could live with him -God sent His son to redeem us and to "fetch" us out of our nothingness.

Mep - lame because of a fall

We are lame because of our fall into sin, we can not walk upright because of the burden of our past sins. We are opressed with the weight and heaviness of it all.

I am living in shame and I am in a place of nothingness. I am lame in spirit, and in mind. Today if I focus on self I see nothingness, I am nothingness.

I need to focus on God and see who I am through Him. I am worth enough that He died for me, I am worth enough that He sends the Holy Spirit to change my hard heart into one full of compassion. I am worth enough to live in the Kings house.