December 29th

I took this picture last Christmas. I used Adobe to make it look like it is painted. Fun stuff.

My mind has circled around several main thoughts today. Birthdays for one, destinations along life's pathway and friendship are the others.

Tis my moms birthday. She is really handling it well. I am so proud of her for not getting in the dumps but rather she is concentrating on being thankful to the Lord for life and blessings. All of us come to the point in our lives when the inevitable aging scares us but that stage should only last a minute.

Tis CA's birthday too. The pain isn't as strong anymore when I think of the loss. I think sometimes there is more of an angry feeling. Anger because I was going to give up everything to be with him - I let myself be more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. The whole thing ended so differently than I expected. My mind begins to question - was I really that special to him - would he have really given up everything too? BUT what does it matter - it is over - life moves on - people change. I fight to remain aloof from the emotions that rise when I contemplate him- I hope his birthday brings him joy - that he spends time with the ones he loves, and that all his dreams for his future come true.

I went on the quad today. Up in the hills where there is a lot of snow. I only got stuck once. High centered the thing while waiting to load it back on the trailer. It was fun and refreshing to get out in the open again. It is really different wheel'n in the snow. The snow hides the ruts, rocks etc. I only landed in a few deep ruts. Saw deer and pheasant. There was a lot of people shooting around the vicinity and a group of paintballers - we managed not to get shot. My younger son and his girlfriend went. She is a city gal and we are trying to get her used to all of our outdoor activities - I get the giggles watching her.

We have company - the mans brother and his kids. They are watching football so I am hiding in my room.

I might be getting a dog - this is really embarrassing but it is going to be a .......... poodle..... yikes I said it. They are ssssooooo ugly! The reason is because I am not allergic to them. I watched my sons girlfriends poodle and he slept in bed with us. I loved it. I miss having an indoor dog. I really want a maltipoo. They are so cute but range in price from $900 to $2000. I can't spend that kind of money on a dog! Even poodles can be expensive!

If I get one it will be a toy poodle. I am looking at all the rescue shelters here in the state. It is

sad how many dogs need homes.

I dread school this semester. I will be taking 10 credit hours and the semester lasts 14 weeks. I have new responsibilities at work, several trips I have to go on, so I am a bit worried if I will make it through in one piece. My depression is the worst in Feb and March. I also start Weight Watchers this coming week. I will go for the 14 weeks I am in school. So.. it almost sounds like I am setting myself up for failure somewhere along the way. I will have to create time for me to stop and gather everything back into perspective. I think I will also hire someone to come in and clean the house from top to bottom every 3 weeks of course I have to get the man to agree to that first.

We were out at a restaurant last night when an older couple caught my attention. She had said something to him and he was giving her the cruelest look, or so I thought. I started paying attention to their conversation. Turns out she was asking him if he knew where they had just come from, what had happened last night etc. The man was also trying to talk to me so I was trying to listen to both at once. I watched her start to tremble and fight back tears. It was at that point I got up and went over to her to see if everything was all right. Apparently he had just barely lost his memory of the past few weeks. I assessed him and advised her to get him checked out at the clinic nearest the restaurant. He was too stubborn though. He insisted nothing was wrong. I went to the clinic right after they left and she never went. I am guessing she took him home and called one of her kids to help her get him to the doc. Just a dear couple. It will be hard to loose the man - that is if he goes first. Even if we struggle at every turn I depend on him for a lot.

Well, guess I will read before I slip into a sleep that carries me away from life's struggles. I love to sleep. Life is perfect for those moments yet - at the same time there is no joy, no feeling of triumph when an obstacle is overcome,no ability to drink in the ambiance of nature. I guess I would rather be alive and feeling than asleep while life rushes by.