Thoughts

It was awesome to be in the gorge (picture) The excitement of being some place new gave a freshness to life.

I spent 2 days with my mom. It was nice to be away from home. I am always ready to take a trip. I beat the on coming storm in order to visit with her. The following day gave us intermittent blue skies - made for good photos.

Upon my return home I sensed something was wrong as the man ignored my return and attempts at conversation. "Now what did I do?" My thoughts went over the past few days and the only thing I could think of was that I had chose to try and beat the storm for a chance to see my mom. The man always gets angry if he feels my mom has "won" So went the silence. As always the silence lasts just a day or so and then I get to listen to several hours of his frustrations with me. All of which are somewhat accurate. I have screwed up his life and hurt him deeply. He is tired and now is thinking about leaving me. Funny thing is... I don't want him to go. I guess I want my family to stay together.

My mom told me the following. "I always figured your step mom would die before your dad and your stepfather would die before me. My dream was that your dad and I could just enjoy you kids without any interference." It has been about 30 years since the divorce and she still wishes family was together.

But... damage has been done. The man is right -I don't know what true love and relationships are all about. He has fought for us harder than I have and he is tired.

I listen to him talk to my stepsister (he calls her often) and he has a certain tone in his voice with her that he use to use with me. It saddens me but I deserve whatever pain befalls me.

The good Lord will have to see me through this because I don't have it in me. This morning (actually yesterday morning as it is 3 a.m.)I couldn't face life. I called one of my staff and told them I was sick and wouldn't be in. I have stayed in bed all day. Slept most of the time. Read, watched a movie, took my final exam and cried ever now and then. I am suppose to go up north for a meeting this morning. So I will "buck up" and face life even though it is tempting to cover my head once again and ignore life for another day. BUT life remains the same and it does no good to hide from the consequences of actions.

There is a silver lining to every cloud. Maybe the man can find some peace for the rest of his days; maybe he will find someone that understands love and will not disapoint him as I have.

I will grow stronger, face what comes my way. Find the laughter in life, the peace in nature and the excitment in adventure. I will always grieve for wasted years and moments but time waits for no man and the world doesn't stop spinning so we can jump off, gather ourselves and then jump back into the wirlwind called life.