Summary

Sunday evening: met step mom at the airport. It was hard to see her without daddy. I put on a mask of pleasantness and ignored the pain in her big brown eyes.

I have a conscious choice when I decide to deal with the pain of loss. That choice was lost when she was here. It was constant. She talked about her pain, her loss, all her memories. I had no choice but to fight the pain that threatened to cover me and crush my heart.

POTATOS

Dad always made the mash potatoes. Nobody can whip up those taters better than him. I have worked hard to become as good as he and do come a close second.

We went to my sons house and stayed Tuesday thru Thursday morning. I thought that being there would be easier for her because there were no memories there. WRONG. She was totally grieving the first day. She managed to pull out of it late Wednesday. My daughter-in-law cooked the meal except for the mash potatoes. My stepmother made those and grieved because she didn't make them as good as dads.

We headed home on Thursday because it was her plan to spend the day watching football and having another Thanksgiving dinner. My son had bought a 61 inch flat screen TV and wanted us to stay to watch the games. We didn't. he understood.

Thursday evening we had another Thanksgiving meal. I made the mash potatoes this time.

My step sis called during this time. She was making her mash potatoes and crying. I have a picture of my dad making mash potatoes for my sons wedding. I also have the left over mash potatoes in my freezer. Dad told us he had cancer again right after the wedding. I knew in my gut that it would be the last time I had his potatoes.

Who would have know that a potato could cause so many emotions.

REST OF VISIT

Thus the days and hours ticked by. Pain was evident in her eyes almost the whole time. We did her laughing and thinking of other things several times and we could see the person she was before grief gathered her in its ugly grasp.

We did go on a jeep excursion up into the mountains. Nature was a soothing balm. We stopped at a beautiful spot and just sat back and let the silence heal our souls. Each of us took off and on our own little hike. I saw a huge flock of wild Turkey's. The mountain stream that flowed through clusters of Aspens. Ice lined the edges. The sun sparkled off the crystals and warmed my body. It was so good to throw off the stress of the past week.

Football was a constant on the TV. Tuesday we made the trip back to the airport. My stepmother was anxious to get home. I was anxious to be rid of the constant reminder of the pain. I did enjoy each day spent with her though. She is a tie to my father and she will always be cherished.

Quotes on Grief:

What impropriety or limit can there be in our grief for a man so beloved?

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief

O, grief hath changed me since you saw me last, And careful hours, with Time's deformed hand, Have written strange defeatures in my face.

Well has it been said that there is no grief like the grief which does not speak.

Excess of grief for the dead is madness; for it is an injury to the living, and the dead know it not.

While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it.

Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys. -Alphonse de Lamartine.

Tis' a new day with new memories

Off to the airport we go in a few hours. A new beginning with new memories to celebrate dads life.

Went yesterday on a hike. This woodpecker cooperated long enough to get some real good pictures. This isn't the best one. I am getting the best one enlarged and framed.

Cleaning the house and thinking a lot about my daddy. Tears are pushed aside and the pain in my heart pushed back into its little dark corner.

Still to this day it is hard to believe he is gone. Still to this day I wonder why his death has affected me in the way that it has.

I am looking forward to a few jeep trips this holiday. I have this next week off so that will be nice.

My youngest son is finally getting his goal for his life in order. He has struggled to find his path. it is good to see him focusing on something. I know he is feeling better about it to . He would get so frustrated. I am anxious to see the oldest over Thanksgiving.

I am thankful this year for family - it may seem a cliche statement but as I get older the only important things in life are family, friends, and a purpose for each day. Those are the things that stay with you until the end.

I appreciate my friends. The ones who take the time to say hello, the ones you can count on when the going gets tough. A friend of mine who I see about once a year and due to life we never talk, anyhow she contacted me this past week. She bought a jeep AND she loves photography. We are planning several trips for the spring and plan to go out to the west during winter. I am excited! Finally a female I can go jeeping with. Now the man won't fret as much.

I ought to get back to cleaning.

Cheer to life's unexpected blessing and trials. (I told my son after he had two incidences where his car was damaged - "Son, life is hell - go enjoy it for all you are worth!)

I read this and...

Sometimes I get scared because my sources for afirmation are pretty well gone. At times I crave for someone to tell me the things I "need" to hear so I can say to myself "I am okay - someone out there likes me" Thus when my life is really bad I can reach out and they will fill that empty spot I have inside. I miss hearing that I am someones "rose" - I miss hearing "I love you"

I was reading a devotion that comes across my e-mail every day. Usually I just delete them. This is what I read this morning:

"In that moment, I realized that all of us define happiness and contentment on the basis of who cares if we are alive or is even aware that we exist. Stress is often the result of a relentless effort to be known. We garner worth and value by seeing ourselves in the eyes of others instead of seeing ourselves in the eyes of God. Just as the shepherd knows every sheep by name, God knows my name, and He knows yours."

I need to remember to let Him affirm my worth and not depend on a male personage.

Saying Goodbye to Fall

It may still be "fall" here in the valley but the high mountains are prepared for snow. Went exploring yesterday up some new trails (new to me). Even though all the aspens and Quakers had long since lost their leaves the beauty of the valleys with their pines and dry grasses along with the visable mountain ranges as far as the eye could see and all this laid against the exquisit blue of a fall sky was the best remedy for my currently accelerated hectic life. Life has been interesting, work has consumed many long hours, school work as usual and all that goes on in between. What makes it different? I don't know... I just know I reach work, take a deep breath and go until I shut down the computer and head back home.

I have really been pushing our department and myself to step it up a notch. That means making our office more visible andpushing our department to become "excellent"

Went up a few weekends ago to visit the oldest and his wife. To be around my "baby" gave me a complete feeling. I hate that he lives so "far" away. Makes me wonder how my parents dealt withmy absence. I left home at age 15 and except for a period of 8 -9 months I have never again have lived in the same state as them. For 4- 5 years I was only home twice a year. Then when married, finances and life kept me away sometimes for over a year.

I am very blessed to have my children close.

We are actually going out to breakfast with my youngest this morning. He is finally admitting to dating this gal. Wonder where this will lead. Wanting out children to make the best choices doesn't make it happen.

My dads friend has been corresponding via e-mail with all of us siblings. I have never met a person with such different ideologies. They are at times scary. He fought in one of the wars but now hates the US. Says that what she is getting she deserves. He agrees with the illegals from Mexico coming to take back the land that was once theirs. He has gone on a "spiritual" journey that is leading him somewhere I can not fathom. He is sorry to have shed blood in her defense.

Now that is scary. I am sure my father did not agree with any of that not my step mom and her great grandfather was a Mexican General.

I need to respond to his last e-mail but I am not sure what to say or how to respond. Just the same he has done a lot for my step mom and my sis since daddy died and I appreciate that he has been such a good support.

Today is a warm day. Need to wash my jeep, clean, go grocery shopping, do homework and read my library book - it is a mystery (novel) based on skeletal remains found on an Indian reservation in Oregon. I think reading my book should be the most important. LOL

My lab tests are not back yet but it will be interesting to see what the doc says and prescribes. He treats with medications that are not synthetic, nor animal based but with the actual hormones etc that your body is low on. I hope it works. Hormones are a pain in the $%#. I would have never had that surgery if I had know of all the side effects!

The class I am in is about aging. I am learning to be more positive (kinda) about the inevitable. Both the man and I get the giggles when our age shows. He is going blind. If we didn't have the medical technology we do today he would be blind within the year. His first surgery will be next month.I forget stuff all the time and I am only 45! Stick-it notes, leaving myself e-mails and voice mails are the reasons I remember what I do. I love comedy about old age because it is all true. There are many myths about aging and a prejudice aimed at the elderly. I have exhibited some too. Treating an old person like a child. Figuring because they are old they are of "slow" mind. It is all very interesting.

Well - time for breakfast and then off to the race called life.