What do I miss most?

My friend sent me a little questionnaire - one of the questions was "what do I miss the most?"

I am not sure why I miss my dad so much but I do. It is almost like he just died. I am getting nauseated with grief and not knowing how to expends its energy. My thoughts keep turning towards him. Usually I can divert those thoughts but now the memories push their way through the block I have set up. It seems like it was this morning that I was holding his hand while we walked into the doctors office - the beginning of the end. I can still hear his heartbeat as I lay my head on his chest -alone with him in his hospital room -enjoying his essence and being held by him one last time.

I miss his laugh, his hug and his "hows my girl doing?" I got a gift from the Lord. Somehow I recorded his voice during a conversation. The man found it while he was looking through my cell phone. I listen to it every so often...... What a gift to still be able to hear his voice. I have video of him but I have not been able to watch that yet.

I miss relationships lost. I once was someones rose. I miss being that too.

I sit at my bedroom window in the early evening and relax with the sounds of a certain bird whose song floats in the air. I smile, thankful for the sound of nature - it is such a healing balm.

Life is the most cherished gift. Every minute only comes once - never to be repeated. The need is there to make every second count. I have it so much better than many people and I don't discount that fact. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for family, friends, laughter, and the innocence of babies.

Nature is such a draw on my soul. I need to rejuvenate after being couped up in the house. The healing of my body is almost complete. As soon as I am given the okay I will head to the hills in my jeep

Hot summer days

The earth bakes with natures own heat source. Sweat seeps from ever pore, while hot air burns it way into the lungs. Flowers wilt and leaves hang from the trees.

Popsicles, air conditioning, ice tea, swimming pools, fans and porch-swings.

Heat exhausts a person! My friend lives in Arizona and she doesn't mind the 113 degree weather -she is nuts! Her thermostat loves Arizona, mine - Alaska!

Each season brings it own pleasures. The heat of summer brings homemade ice cream. I will endure it just for that. Fresh peach, strawberry or blackberry or... For some reason I want pie and ice cream now.

It is back to work on Monday. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things.. I miss all my friends.

Lesson Learned???

While laying here recovering I have had time to mull many things over. Life holds many many trials, perplexities, happy fulfilling memories, memories full of pain yet my favorite is the sacred memories buried deep within. Memories that can be brought to the surface, embraced, caresses, and gently placed back in the resses of my heart.

I have come to many conclusions regarding issues that I have not had time to deal with because of lifes hectic pace.

I think the biggest one is that I am incapable of feeling true love. The flip side is... does true love actually have a feeling or is it more of a principle? It may be true loves feels more like a fondness, instead of breathless, heart stopping moment. I have the desire to crawl into the arms of a friend but is that just a selfish desire and not love?

Corinthians reads love is not a feeling but rather a life of action and a containment of feelings. I am afraid I lied. I have not come to a conclusion regarding love. I must be a hopeless romantic whose hope is dashed on a regular basis.

I also realized that I am very alone. I bristle with thoughts of how I have lent my total being to some in their time of need only to be left stranded when I need to be cared for.

It may seem I am a "down-in-the-mouth" person but I am not. I enjoy life. I laugh, revel in natures beauty and healing properties, feel revived after petting a animal and engross myself in my passions of reading, photography and jeep'n.

My heart longs for passion from one who loves me for me. I shall not wait for that anymore as I am no longer young and beautiful. I shall place the longings in the basement of my heart. There they will stay gathering the dust of time until this heart beats no more.

July 4th

Wondering what the heck I was doing out there in the middle of no-where

Tis the 4th of July. My god-daughters birthday. Memories of her 1st birthday party flit across my mind. Bitter sweet that trip was. A carrot was dangled - I reached - it was pulled away.

Still laid up from surgery. Family is out riding their quads in the mountains. I am laying on the couch recovery from to much walking this morning.

Freedom - I want to quote a few lines from a friend of my dad's. The article I will quote from was in response to a published article which explored an amendment for protection of the USA flag. This gentleman is a vet from the Vietnam War.

"For those of us who have served under her shadow, the flag is a personal ensign of honor among comrades, dignity of service, duty to one's nation, answering the call-to-arms, selfless service to ones "buddy" and courage to face adversity. For us, no law is necessary to force us to respect and honor this symbol. She is ours and we are hers. To those who would make meager attempts to desecrate her, their acts are futile. One cannot remove history's glory with a match."

God Bless America - for it seems she is falling apart.

Sayings

I read the following statements and either related to them or agreed with them

"It is a fact that the human heart differs from all other species. While its function to the body is the same as all animals, its participation with the human soul is both rhapsodic and fatal."

"Is there any pain an enemy can inflict that compares to that done by a friend?"

" to rise to a higher joy is to risk a deeper sorrow. Do I dare reach for the sun?"

" Of all life's betrayers the heart is the worse. It flutters with joyful anticipation, leading down paths better untrod. Now that I know my heart, I must never follow it agan."

"To think is pain; to remember, torment; but to consider the future - more than I can bear."

Recovery

Patience is a virtue..... that I don't have!

I seem to have lost ground on this healing issue. Friday I did a few things I shouldn't have done for several more weeks. Due to my actions I was flat on my back, knocked out with pain medications for the next two days. I have slept, cried and pouted over this set back.

Oh well... pouting unfortuately does not increase the speed of recovery. One of the hardest things is to watch life go on without me. An example is that I have to sit here and watch my son take off on his quad to enjoy the fasination of exploring unknow trails in the mountains. Since I can't go anywhere or do anything adverturous I am left to school work, reading, sleeping and anticipating the day I am back to "normal" and can resume jeeping, etc.

I do feel all alone as I am use to working each day and being around humans. It is amazing how fast we fall out of people's lives. Goes to show that life moves on with or without you. We are just a speck of dust in the history of time.