December 29th

I took this picture last Christmas. I used Adobe to make it look like it is painted. Fun stuff.

My mind has circled around several main thoughts today. Birthdays for one, destinations along life's pathway and friendship are the others.

Tis my moms birthday. She is really handling it well. I am so proud of her for not getting in the dumps but rather she is concentrating on being thankful to the Lord for life and blessings. All of us come to the point in our lives when the inevitable aging scares us but that stage should only last a minute.

Tis CA's birthday too. The pain isn't as strong anymore when I think of the loss. I think sometimes there is more of an angry feeling. Anger because I was going to give up everything to be with him - I let myself be more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. The whole thing ended so differently than I expected. My mind begins to question - was I really that special to him - would he have really given up everything too? BUT what does it matter - it is over - life moves on - people change. I fight to remain aloof from the emotions that rise when I contemplate him- I hope his birthday brings him joy - that he spends time with the ones he loves, and that all his dreams for his future come true.

I went on the quad today. Up in the hills where there is a lot of snow. I only got stuck once. High centered the thing while waiting to load it back on the trailer. It was fun and refreshing to get out in the open again. It is really different wheel'n in the snow. The snow hides the ruts, rocks etc. I only landed in a few deep ruts. Saw deer and pheasant. There was a lot of people shooting around the vicinity and a group of paintballers - we managed not to get shot. My younger son and his girlfriend went. She is a city gal and we are trying to get her used to all of our outdoor activities - I get the giggles watching her.

We have company - the mans brother and his kids. They are watching football so I am hiding in my room.

I might be getting a dog - this is really embarrassing but it is going to be a .......... poodle..... yikes I said it. They are ssssooooo ugly! The reason is because I am not allergic to them. I watched my sons girlfriends poodle and he slept in bed with us. I loved it. I miss having an indoor dog. I really want a maltipoo. They are so cute but range in price from $900 to $2000. I can't spend that kind of money on a dog! Even poodles can be expensive!

If I get one it will be a toy poodle. I am looking at all the rescue shelters here in the state. It is

sad how many dogs need homes.

I dread school this semester. I will be taking 10 credit hours and the semester lasts 14 weeks. I have new responsibilities at work, several trips I have to go on, so I am a bit worried if I will make it through in one piece. My depression is the worst in Feb and March. I also start Weight Watchers this coming week. I will go for the 14 weeks I am in school. So.. it almost sounds like I am setting myself up for failure somewhere along the way. I will have to create time for me to stop and gather everything back into perspective. I think I will also hire someone to come in and clean the house from top to bottom every 3 weeks of course I have to get the man to agree to that first.

We were out at a restaurant last night when an older couple caught my attention. She had said something to him and he was giving her the cruelest look, or so I thought. I started paying attention to their conversation. Turns out she was asking him if he knew where they had just come from, what had happened last night etc. The man was also trying to talk to me so I was trying to listen to both at once. I watched her start to tremble and fight back tears. It was at that point I got up and went over to her to see if everything was all right. Apparently he had just barely lost his memory of the past few weeks. I assessed him and advised her to get him checked out at the clinic nearest the restaurant. He was too stubborn though. He insisted nothing was wrong. I went to the clinic right after they left and she never went. I am guessing she took him home and called one of her kids to help her get him to the doc. Just a dear couple. It will be hard to loose the man - that is if he goes first. Even if we struggle at every turn I depend on him for a lot.

Well, guess I will read before I slip into a sleep that carries me away from life's struggles. I love to sleep. Life is perfect for those moments yet - at the same time there is no joy, no feeling of triumph when an obstacle is overcome,no ability to drink in the ambiance of nature. I guess I would rather be alive and feeling than asleep while life rushes by.

Winter Snow

I love snow. I love to see the undisturbed blanket of crystal white. It covers the deadness and bareness of winters frozen ground. It is pure.

I love to search for the prints of the forest. Soft impressions from a rabbit, the trail of a field mouse, dashing prints left by the deer, and the foxes curious paw prints.. Each path tells a story.

I was watching the Eagles concert on DVD. The lyrics of one of my favorite songs told the story of the first Christmas without dad.

There's a hole in the world tonight.There's a Cloud of fear and sorrow.There's a hole in the world tonight.Don't let there be a hole in the world tomorrow.

For some reason I have not felt like capturing the beauty or peace of nature. I know it is just a season and will pass.

Driving home the snow was gently falling and covering the roads. Underneath was ice. Emotionally it is easier to be ice but it is best to be snow, easily molded into the shape it needs to.

Sunny days and winter snow - love it!! The warmth penetrates the body, snow glistens and all is well for the moment.

It was TORN - dang!! Plus dumb musings

taken this morning - it would have been great but the flag is torn....

Trying to send out Christmas cards. It seems as if Christmas is all ready over. We all have our presents. My sons got theirs early because of what they needed. Same with my mom she has hers and she has given me mine. I have mine from the man and the youngest son because I picked out what I wanted/needed. As with last year I plan to head out to the west desert early Christmas morning. Hopefully I can get some great pictures again. ****The mountain snow is pink with the setting sun - Monday is getting closer. Good thing we can not procrastinate with the seconds-minutes- hours etc of life. We might have a perpetual weekend. ****I was amazed at the lack of vehicles out and about today. Made me miss the days when this town was small... I am a small town gal. ****Not much to say - I was going to talk about how Christmas feels this year but.... why? We miss those who are not with us. A feeling that is as old as time. Holidays just reinforce the fact that there are those that we love who are not here. Fact of life for every person at sometime or another.

If we remember...

... the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the word seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses."

Christmas - because of a birth we have hope.

Must get to preparing for the week.

Until the next time I try to put my wandering thoughts down.....

Middle of December

This month is going by fast - come to think of it they all go by fast now days.
So fast that at times I forget to be thankful for all that the good Lord has given me.
The Chaplin stopped by my office today. He seemed a bit troubled. There was a very young gal up on ICU who was to have been married in 4 days - now she is brain dead from a car accident. A young man stopped by for something else- I asked how he was - just normal conversation. His girlfriend was killed Sunday when her ex husband shot her. This world seems to be drawing to a close real fast. It is just one disaster after another.

I have nothing to complain about. I am blessed.

I have two new friends - N and S. Two labs. I tended them this past weekend and get to do so again for 10 days. Such sweet dogs. I love animals. God did an awesome thing when He created them. Just think how animals have touched lives. Of course there are the bad things that some do but animals are so capable of loving the unlovable and healing wounded souls.

My oldest bought a home -he is so excited. We might go visit him this weekend as he really wants to show us. The house isn't finished yet. It is all enclosed. They will pick out their colors tomorrow.
Youngest just finished signing up for spring semester as did I. I will be buying a desk top computer before he starts as it will be too hard to juggle computer usage.

We have a lot of snow. I didn't take pictures yet. I was gone for the first big snow storm. The day it was snowing here I was taking the picture that is attached. Red rock and blue sky. been too busy to get out since then.

The Christmas spirit is in the air - I wish the simple Christmas would return. Too busy and too commercial now days. We have spent a fair amount of money just helping people this season. That is the best type of Christmas. My favorite which we have not yet done will be taking two of our nephews and one niece to the eye doctor and getting them glasses. Also we will pay for their meals from school. Their family has deteriorated so fast. Mom left them, dad is never there and the 17 year old who acts like 12 and is on drugs, is the one that watches them. We help when we can but it is not possible to help every minute.

The guys are at a basketball game and so I am going to start a fire in the fireplace, get me a blanket and read!

Thoughts

It was awesome to be in the gorge (picture) The excitement of being some place new gave a freshness to life.

I spent 2 days with my mom. It was nice to be away from home. I am always ready to take a trip. I beat the on coming storm in order to visit with her. The following day gave us intermittent blue skies - made for good photos.

Upon my return home I sensed something was wrong as the man ignored my return and attempts at conversation. "Now what did I do?" My thoughts went over the past few days and the only thing I could think of was that I had chose to try and beat the storm for a chance to see my mom. The man always gets angry if he feels my mom has "won" So went the silence. As always the silence lasts just a day or so and then I get to listen to several hours of his frustrations with me. All of which are somewhat accurate. I have screwed up his life and hurt him deeply. He is tired and now is thinking about leaving me. Funny thing is... I don't want him to go. I guess I want my family to stay together.

My mom told me the following. "I always figured your step mom would die before your dad and your stepfather would die before me. My dream was that your dad and I could just enjoy you kids without any interference." It has been about 30 years since the divorce and she still wishes family was together.

But... damage has been done. The man is right -I don't know what true love and relationships are all about. He has fought for us harder than I have and he is tired.

I listen to him talk to my stepsister (he calls her often) and he has a certain tone in his voice with her that he use to use with me. It saddens me but I deserve whatever pain befalls me.

The good Lord will have to see me through this because I don't have it in me. This morning (actually yesterday morning as it is 3 a.m.)I couldn't face life. I called one of my staff and told them I was sick and wouldn't be in. I have stayed in bed all day. Slept most of the time. Read, watched a movie, took my final exam and cried ever now and then. I am suppose to go up north for a meeting this morning. So I will "buck up" and face life even though it is tempting to cover my head once again and ignore life for another day. BUT life remains the same and it does no good to hide from the consequences of actions.

There is a silver lining to every cloud. Maybe the man can find some peace for the rest of his days; maybe he will find someone that understands love and will not disapoint him as I have.

I will grow stronger, face what comes my way. Find the laughter in life, the peace in nature and the excitment in adventure. I will always grieve for wasted years and moments but time waits for no man and the world doesn't stop spinning so we can jump off, gather ourselves and then jump back into the wirlwind called life.