Tis been a long time

This was taken on a freezing afternoon. Temperature was around 25 degrees

I haven't written in here for a long time. Life seemed to all of a sudden get busy and most everything else was put aside.

Let's see what is new? My son's ex wife wants him back. he is so torn. His mind says one thing but his heart says another. He sleeps all the time so I set up an appointment for him with our EAP and another with a doctor. He might need an antidepressant for awhile.

I messed up the locks on my jeep so they are having to be fixed. So I haven't been on a good jeep trip for awhile.

I am flying out to visit my father this week. He is/was taking chemo. Was on a one week on and three weeks off schedule. He has no WBC and his RBC are not that good. He got a grand infection from a cut on his finger. They put him on antibiotics which caused tremendous sores in his mouth and they are not going away. SO ... he isn't eating which is causing him to become weaker and he isn't taking pain meds so his body isn't healing as well as it could. Breaks my heart when I talk to him and hear the pain and the weakness in his voice.

School keeps me busy and my job has been very busy. Between the two plus life it seems I do not have a minute to breath. My energy level? There isn't a level. Caffeine is my energy. I am waiting to go get an ultrasound because of a inconsistent - consistent pain. They make you drink all this water so I am having to do something to keep my mind off my full bladder. No body had better turn any water on!!

In reality there is nothing to complain about. I still have my daddy and we all hope it is going to get better. My family is here for me and being very supportive.

Tea and coffee

Ice from the lake which the wind has pushed up on shore

I was sipping my tea this morning and got to thinking.

Imagine all the conversations that have been held over a cup of tea or mug of coffee. Some have been whispered, some shouted in anger -others in joy. Some conversations would have been centered around sorrow others around clebrations.

Unspoken words have been shared by a glance or a touch.

Weddings and funerals - both have been planned over a shared cup of coffee.

Wherever you are - enjoy.

Pressing Onwards vs Memories

Taken Christmas Day. West Desert. Almost looks like a painting.

My plight - the very darkest night - dawning light.

I would use the above to describe the last 7 months of 2006.

I believe it is really true that it is darkest before the dawn. I think God knew what He was doing when He created night and day. He knew we would need promises to sustain us through the dark times.

I try not to look back. Occasionally I do and my heart becomes sad. I am not sure what makes me the saddest. I know that I destroyed a friendship. I know I destroyed trust. I know I turned my back on my Lord. I can not pull one specific thing out of the accumlative sadness. I take the sadness, memories, failures but them in a box, close the lid and put it on the shelf. Some days I open the box - just for a few minutes but I quickly close it knowing that leaving it open will bring me back to despair, grief, and the challenge of questioning myself and my worth.

I had a ring made to remind me of some things - lost it Friday. Not sure where. I had it resized but it was so cold (if you wear rings you know your fingers shrink in size when it is cold)that it became loose. Maybe it will turn up.

I am back in school. It will be a heavy semester. I dropped one class so I am only taking 3. I plan to take the summer off so I will just hang in there and look forward to the end of this semester.

My dad started chemo therapy 1/3.

"The man" had called my step sister a few days before that. I got home just as he was hanging up.The man told me how scared my dad was, how sick he was on the medication he had been given before the chemo therapy was started. I got so angry because I was so helpless to do anything. I kept having to turn it over to the Lord because I had no power to change the situation.

We serve an awesome God. His grace, His love, His forgiveness are incomprehensible. Plus - He has all ready taken care of everything before it has even started for us.

Brand New Year 2007

I am excited about the prospects of this year and if all truth be told I tremble at what this new year might bring.

My sons - what does this year hold for them? My dad - will his health improve or decline? Each day of course is full of its uncertainties but a new day also brings forth the hope of a new start a fresh begining.

To celebrate New Years I went --- jeeping of course or as my jeep friends put it - wheelin'.

Nothing better except a few maddening moments when I couldn't get up a really steep trail because it was too slippery. If I had my lockers I am sure I would have made it.

Like all chosen sports etc there is always something else to buy to make it better, funner all while pushing the limit to which trail you can conquer.

My hopes for the New Year are centered around increasing my spiritual and physical health. It seems to me that all else will fall into place as I become healthier in those areas.

Currently I am spending time doing an online study www.allaboutjesus.org I have the book but while I am sitting in front of my blue light it is easier to do the lessons on line. I love the book.

Well must get to work - first I gotta get that cup of coffee - is that working on my physical health? Uh-oh...........