A Time to Die and a Time to Cry

Daddy died 2/4/2007

Died right after we all said goodbye

Two days before I had climbed in his hospital bed - just like I used to climb into his bed when I was little.

Laying my head on his chest I listened to his heart beat. Tears soaked into his gown. I knew my time with him would be ending soon.

He didn't know, my step mom didn't know. They would not hear those words. Until his last breath I believe my stepmom was in denial. My dad went to sleep believing all would be well.

I can't even write about it as I am afraid to connect my mind with my emotions. The pain is so great that I am fearful I can not bear the enormous load of grief. My gut goes into knots, my insticts tell me to scream long and loud. I want the world to stop to stay still - giving me a chance to gather the pieces of my life. I need to put lifes tasks into a neat row - deal with the emotions and then step back into a regular pattern of life.

I am angry also - I am angry at some of my friends. I need them and they are not there. I am angry because I have helped them through their difficult times. Yet when it is my time - I am left alone. I am infuriated.

I am am also livid because I expect something from friends. Maybe I am not suppose to expect anything at all.

When can I weep, when can I scream, when can I mourn? I am scared to allow it. I am terrified to start - fearful that I will never stop.